I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
