My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize