I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm both gender and math confused
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
