flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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