OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
