we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
