No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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