Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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