Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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