It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
