there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
