I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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