i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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