That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
