Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
