I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
