dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
