I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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