I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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