If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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