Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
