Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize