I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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