in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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