i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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