My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
