in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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