Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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