There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
