Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
