She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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