I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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