yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
