All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
