My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
