He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
