So drunk its hurt
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
