i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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