I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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