a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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