the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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