so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize