Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
