I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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