he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
