I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize