Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
