recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
