I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize