So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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