i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
