In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i think my mom watched the whole time
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
