be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
