Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I need mimosas to revive my soul
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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