Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
