living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
