fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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