I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
