I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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